long time no see

Well.  Obviously, I haven't been much of a blogger in the last year.  When I first started this blog it was a fun way to document my family and keep up with friends near and far.  As technology has changed in recent years, I feel like personal blogs have kind of fallen by the wayside.  Now, more often than not, blogs are started as a way to get your name out there or make some money.  That is not what interested me at all so blogging became a little less fun.  But, I miss the record of my family and everything we do together.  I miss writing down the memories.  There have been so many times I've looked back at the old blog as a reference of what we did/who was there/where we went/etc.  So, here is my half-hearted attempt to start it up again.  If no one reads it, no big deal.  We shall see if I keep it up.  But, for now, I think I'm going to try!

I'll give a little update on all of us.
In the last year:
Elaina stopped sucking her fingers in August. Started sleeping in a big girl bed. And, started her 2nd year of pre-school all at the same time.  It was a hard, hard, hard time for her and for me! I was dead-set on getting her to quit the dang fingers.  Mainly because she was ALWAYS getting sick.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, but it was the equivalent of licking the entire grocery store.  Her fingers were always going in her mouth. There was no possible way I could wash or sanitize her hands that quickly or that many times a day.  I think in the month of June I spent well over $600 just taking her to the doctor for sick visits.  And, I'm not really one of those worry-wart kind of moms.  She was legit sick I tell you! I didn't quite realize just how much she used her fingers to PACIFY herself.  I know that's the point of a pacifier or fingers or a blanket.  But, I was so focused on the illness aspect that I didn't even think about how much taking her fingers away would totally change her personality.  She went from being the easiest, sweetest, most loving little girl to being a... challenge.  I don't even know how else to describe it.  I know she was two and they go through stages, but as her mom, I just knew it was much more than that.  It took us awhile to adjust to all the new changes in Elaina's life.  But, we did. We are still here alive and kickin.  Now she is a full on threenager.  I read that term online the other day and boy does it ring full of truth when talking about my kid.  She is one sassy mama, full of attitude, opinions, and emotions.  We are constantly talking about using our nice voice, having a nice attitude, and choosing the nicest way to say or ask something. But, even with all that threenager girl drama, she is still the sweetest little girl and I love her all the same.  Some nights I just go in her room and sit next to her bed watching her sleep.  In the quiet moments of the middle of the night, I am reminded of how incredibly blessed I am to be her mommy.
Elaina turned 3 in April and requested a dance party for her birthday.  In January, I took her to a stake dance where Houston was the DJ and she just fell in love.  She never forgot it.  From that moment on she wanted a dance party for her birthday, with pizza, and lights, and Jana had to come.  Ha! Ironically, Jana is her friend Ashtyn's mom who just so happens to be an amazing dancer! Ask and you shall receive.  Dance party she got.  Complete with DJ Htown, Costco pizza, disco ball and strobe light, neon headbands, sunglasses, bracelets, silly string, and dancing.  She had the best time.  At the end of the night everyone had left and she and I were sitting next to each other just taking it all in.  She told me, "Mom, I don't want my dance party to be over."  I told her even though people were gone, it wasn't actually over since the music was still on.  She hopped right on up and kept on dancing all by herself.  I wish I had thought to grab a camera and capture that sweet moment.

Houston's life is pretty much the same.  He is so even-keel.  Nothing ever bothers him. He's just pretty dang chill.  And, I guess his life is a great reflection of that.  He's still workin his butt off at work, doing his awesome thing, making a name for himself.  "Keep on keepin on" was kind of his motto of sorts while off on his mission and it still holds true to this day.  That's what he does and he does well at it.  He's been on an exercising kick the last few months and has lost 25 pounds!  He's excited and I'm excited for him! He's looking good and still losing!

And, then there's me.  As I'm writing this little update, I just realized I stopped updating this blog right when things in life started to get really hard.  Maybe subconsciously I just didn't want to have to talk about myself.  This last year has been really hard for me, and us as a family because my emotions affect everyone around me.  If you are close to me (or not super close to me) it's no secret that being pregnant is one of my least favorite things in the whole wide world.  I love being a mom. I think pregnancy and children are amazing blessings.  But, actually being pregnant is an enormous sacrifice for me in order to build our family and bring children into this world.  I wish I were one of those women who loves being pregnant.  If I were I would have tons and tons of babies! I love babies. I'm not.  It's hard on my body. It's painful and uncomfortable the entire time.  And, lets be real, the biggest problem is that it wreaks havoc on my mental stability.  It messes with my OCD controlling nature like you wouldn't believe and it is an ongoing mental and emotional struggle the entire time. After, Elaina was born I struggled with post-partum depression for a good four months and honestly had NO IDEA something was wrong with me until it was completely gone.  With all that being said, it took a long time for me to be ready to try for another baby.  I just assumed that once I felt ready with the decision it would be easy as could be! Just like the first time.  And, I assumed wrong.  I had my first miscarriage in March/April 2013, super early on.  I had my second miscarriage in June 2013 around 7 weeks.  I had my third miscarriage in Nov. 2013 at 11 weeks.  After every single miscarriage I dealt with post-partum depression AGAIN.  It's 100% a hormonal imbalance and once my hormones would level out and get back to normal, I was normal again.  But, to say that the last year has been a struggle for me is putting it lightly.  I've always been a big big believer in Heavenly Father's plan.  The hard part was never wondering why things weren't happening on my time-table.  Telling myself that it just wasn't meant to be right now was the easy part.  Dealing with the emotional highs and lows and especially the lowest of lows was the hardest part.  Depression is no joke.  And I hated the way it affected me and therefore affected how I was as a mom and a wife.  It really doesn't help that I'm a super private person.  I'm a very social person, but the second things get personal I keep it to myself. The second things get hard I curl inward and don't let anybody in, not even Houston.  It makes it hard to deal with.  If you don't want to talk about things, how do you start talking about it enough to let people know you need help?
It's now July 2014 and I am 19 weeks pregnant! I've been very quiet about it. I feel bad since most of my friends have found out about my pregnancy from someone other than myself.  But, with everything that's happened, it's hard for me to shake these foreboding feelings.  I guess subconsciously I think if I try to stay neutral instead of getting super excited, there isn't as far for me to fall if things don't turn out how I hope.  Other times I tell myself that's a horrible way to think! Enjoy it!! So, I'm trying.  And, I'm sharing.  I'm doing my best to share.  My 20 week ultrasound is a week from today and we'll find out if Elaina will have a baby brother or a baby sister.  My entire family is sure it's a boy.  Elaina is adamant that she does not want a brother, she only wants a sister.  I have no hunches or guesses or desires.  If I ever guess a baby's gender I am wrong 99% of the time.  I just want a healthy, happy baby.

That's my update for the time being. It was surprisingly cathartic.  Until next time friends!